![]() ![]() I also know why my cancer-surviving friend chose me over the advice-givers who surrounded her. Next time, I will invite her to talk more, then or later. I now realize why it hurt to have my troubled friend gloss over her issues: It made me doubt she trusts me. We need to clear our minds, open our ears and hearts, and be human with the humans around us. Modern expedience has negative consequences on human relationships and mental health. When we feel our feelings and process them, it helps us solve problems. Looking at the negative is still important. Back when life-or-death situations were more common, easy-going early humans were less likely to pass on their genes than those who were vigilant. Goodman relates how people are wired to be negative. We want to choose wisely with whom we share a lot, but we should recognize life’s problems and work through them – which often means sharing them – instead of ignoring them. We also need to be willing to represent our not-best selves on social media and in the world at large. We need to cease offering platitudes (like “It could be worse.”), which are basically a way to shut down conversation and signal that the person who is trying to express grief, frustration – a “negative” emotion – should shut up. We need to stop and listen to other people without making comparisons to our own experience. Society tells people living in unfavorable circumstances to avoid being “negative.” If they are unhappy, the implication is they are not trying hard enough. She calls it “survivor porn.” Focus on these success tales is a non-acknowledgement of the struggle with circumstances and the social order. For instance, we focus on stories of people who cheerfully, bravely combat a debilitating injury or illness. She writes that success stories among these populations are popular. She also lists people who have historical, societal disadvantages: being female, non-white, non-binary, gay, having a disability, living at or below the poverty line, etc. Goodman recognizes that people with chronic illnesses – like me – struggle because of toxic positivity. I have a family member who is struggling with many things lately, and I have been guilty of pushing the “positivity” concept of gratitude journaling and being discouraged by this person’s failure to “move on.” I have not been patient, and have pushed a trend I don’t like. ![]() Goodman’s insights helped me identify how frequently I hide my emotions from the world – everyone – because I feel I would be condemned for being so “negative.” Why? This book verbalizes concepts I feel have been missing in social discourse. Last month, in MPL’s new non-fiction titles, I spotted a book titled Toxic Positivity: Keeping It Real in a World Obsessed with Being Happy by Whitney Goodman Instagram), a psychotherapist. ![]() I felt uneasy about my lack of advice, but after her first two years of remission, I was one of the few people with whom she stayed friends. Long ago, I felt I “dumbly” listened to a friend as she cried to me upon being diagnosed with breast cancer. At the time, we just changed the subject. I couldn’t put my finger on why this bothered me. Recently I found myself stunned into silence by a friend who declined to share her troubles with me, instead making veiled references to them. ![]()
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